


Hold the Garlic, Please

by orangeCrates



Category: Assassin's Creed
Genre: Alternate Universe - Urban Fantasy, Crack, F/M, Humor, M/M, Vampires
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-16
Updated: 2016-01-16
Packaged: 2018-05-14 05:31:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5731189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orangeCrates/pseuds/orangeCrates
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The symptoms were all there, but since vampires weren't real, Malik and Kadar both assumed the sunburns, the nagging hunger that didn't come paired with a desire to eat actual food, the aversion to garlic that had simply never existed before, Kadar having no reflection all of a sudden and all other odd occurrences were because of something else.</p><p>It's not like they could have known that, not only was the supernatural real, but much closer than they'd originally thought.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hold the Garlic, Please

**Author's Note:**

  * For [theonlymoosewhoeatssalad](https://archiveofourown.org/users/theonlymoosewhoeatssalad/gifts).



Kadar had been playing games on the couch when Malik went to bed.

"Don't sleep too late." He said around a yawn and went upstairs.

That wasn't new or strange. It wasn't even worth worrying about because Kadar wasn't capable of staying up past eleven o'clock or, for that matter, waking up earlier than eleven the _next morning_ unless there was something he needed to do.

So Malik was surprised to see Kadar on the couch, still playing the game he'd been playing the night before at eight in the morning.

He stared as Kadar suddenly crowed at his victory on screen.

"Oh, hey." Kadar said when he noticed Malik there.

"Hey." Malik was still staring, "Did you just wake up?" It seemed unlikely because Kadar was still wearing the same clothes from the night before.

"Nope. I didn't sleep." There were no bags under his eyes, nothing at all to suggest that he hadn't slept. He shrugged, "I wasn't tired."

"Kadar," Malik began with a frown and Kadar recognized the warning there, the beginnings of a lecture that he didn't really want to sit through.

"I won't do it again. I promise!" Then he stood up, "I'll go change and brush my teeth, okay?"

Malik watched him go, frowning the entire time. Then he looked down at the couch, where Kadar had sat so long in it he'd formed a depression.

~ + ~

Eventually, Malik left the house to get groceries (as well as more dog food and, after much debate with himself, a bag of bully sticks).

He was on his way back when his phone went 'ping'.

Getting to his phone required moving the eco bag containing the groceries so it hung from the crook of his elbow.

Kadar  
got sunburned D:  
How? I haven't been gone for half an hour.  
idk. but it hurts DDDDD:

Then, helpfully, Malik receives a picture of Kadar's arm, the skin looking painfully red.

Malik frowned and made a stop to buy his brother something for the burn.

~ + ~

Kadar was still home after his brief attempt to leave the house, pouting as Malik came in the door.

His skin was cold to the touch when Malik touched him. His frown deepened and he spread the gel (containing 99% PURE ALOE!according to the packaging) over Kadar's burns.

"Why are you so cold?"

Kadar blinked at him, "I was going to ask you why you're so warm. I don't feel cold." He said as Malik's frown deepened.

"Your skin is pale too." If the burns were any more serious Malik might have suspected it to be shock, but it didn't seem likely given what he's seeing. He placed a hand on Kadar's forehead and, finding no fever, sat back with a confused frown. "I'll get you a blanket."

"Okay." Kadar said instead of arguing (there wasn't any point because Malik was already leaving the room). When he came back with a blanket folded over his arms, Kadar said, "Are you going to make lunch?"

Malik nodded and shook out the blanket, "Yeah."

"Great. I'm starving."

~ + ~

He left Kadar on the couch (wrapped up tight in a blanket and playing video games) to put away the groceries and prepare lunch.

But, despite Kadar's declaration that he was hungry, he only picked at the food Malik made.

Malik watched him for a moment.

"Didn't you say you were hungry?"

"Yeah, but like..." He gestured at his plate, "not for this? I mean," He said guiltily, because while the food wasn't his favourite it was something he liked (Malik would deny it but he always used to spoil Kadar whenever he got sick), "it smells great! But I don't really want to eat it. Is there garlic in this?"

"Yes."

Kadar made a vague sound that could be disinterest, except for the way he sat back (though there was nothing to suggest he was conscious of doing it), "I'm kinda thirsty, actually? Do we have any juice?"

Malik continued to stare.

"No." He said finally, "how about some water?"

~ + ~

Later, when Kadar had gone back to playing video games, Malik pulled out his laptop. Malik didn't trust websites that diagnosed health problems as a rule (they had this odd habit of including 'cancer' as part of every diagnosis) but he found one that looked semi-reliable and selected these symptoms from a list: 

  * Increased thirst
  * Increased sensitivity to heat
  * Pale skin
  * Difficulty sleeping



He got a list of nineteen possible conditions ranging from "Anemia, iron deficiency", "Anorexia nervosa" to (naturally) "small intestine cancer". He frowned at his laptop, going through the first couple of items on the list and checking their symptoms against what he saw in his brother. He paused on the page for "Hyperthyroidism", then looked at Kadar thoughtfully.

"You don't have diarrhea, do you?" He asked as Kadar slumped with a groan when his character on screen died.

"What? What kind of question is that?" He said, as in the background the sound of the game continued, "I don't." He finally answered Malik's flat, unimpressed frown. He turned off the console, "You know what? I'm going upstairs before you ask anymore weird questions."

Which he did, but Malik was too busy staring at the tv screen to really comment. It was hard to tell, but he almost thought he didn't see Kadar's reflection on the screen in the moments between the screen turning black and Kadar leaving...but that couldn't be right.

Malik rubbed his eyes. Maybe _he_ was the one who hadn't been sleeping enough.

~ + ~

Malik was still on his laptop (no longer checking medical sites but doing actual work), when Kadar came back downstairs.

"I think Taco is at the door."

"I haven't heard anything." Malik looked skeptical even as he set his computer down, "And his name isn't Taco. He doesn't even have a name."

"Yeah, well he's at the door. Did you and Altair fight again?"

"No." Malik said, too quickly for it to be convincing, "what makes you think that?"

"That dog always shows up whenever you guys fight. Or when you're upset and do that thing where you don't want to talk to anyone." Which, often, also had something to do with Altair (though not always).

"He doesn't." But Malik hadn't really thought about it before. Instead of continuing the conversation, Malik left the room, heading for the back door.

'Taco' was a stray dog that Malik had befriended about a year ago. He was a large dog with golden-coloured fur, with a dusting of darker hairs on his back. He tended to visit their home by, one presumed, jumping over their fence and whining at their door until either Malik opened it, or Kadar called Malik over. He hadn't meant to use the name (and he never did while the dog was there), but over time the name just _stuck_ and Malik was referring to the dog as Taco in his head as well as in conversation.

When it came up, Altair had only shaken his head at him, "What kind of name is Taco? That's the stupidest name I've ever heard for a dog."

He could hear the scratching at the door and the whining (which had been inaudible from the living room, never mind the upstairs area Kadar had been in). He stopped at the closet in the hall, tucking the empty bowl under his arm and pulling out the bag of dog food.

The whining got _louder_ even as the scratching stopped. Like he knew Malik was _there_.

"All right, all right. I'm coming." Malik set the bag down to open the door.

Taco was wagging his tail and panting the moment Malik stepped through the door.

The food was set down, as well as the bowl, and Malik couldn't help but smile at him.

"Hey. I haven't seen you in a while." He reached out to briefly pet Taco on the head, then crouched down to open the bag of food.

As he poured the food, Taco paced around him. There was something different about the way he carefully sniffed Malik, but it wasn't until he let out a faint growl that Malik stopped what he was doing.

When Malik had finally shown Edward a picture to stop the man's pestering. Edward had scratched his head with a frown, "Are you sure that's a dog, mate?"

But there was nothing threatening about the way Taco laid his head on Malik's lap or how he sometimes rolled over so Malik could scratch his belly.

If anything, he acted more like a big, dumb puppy.

Besides, there weren't any wolves living anywhere in this area (and what did Edward know about dogs, anyway? Or about anything that wasn't nautical?)

Even so, he could sort of see where Edward might be coming from when Taco turned to the door, bared his teeth and _growled_.

Then, as if summoned, Kadar stepped through the door, saying, "seeing how you only have one arm, I thought I'd bring the toy for you" and Taco, whose entire posture was a display of aggression suddenly loosened and looked _confused_.

What was even stranger was the way Kadar grimaced suddenly, like he'd just found something unpleasant. He had always been more than happy to try to tempt Taco into playing before (even if Taco had never treated Kadar as anything except an entity to be ignored and occasionally indulged when his prescience got in his attempts to cuddle up to Malik).

Malik looked between the two (the way Taco, while not as openly aggressive as before, still put himself between Malik and Kadar), "what's wrong with you two?"

Kadar snapped out of it first, "I'm...not sure? He smells funny. Maybe it was something he was rolling around in?" Except Malik didn't smell anything out of the ordinary, but Kadar shrugged and said, before Malik could comment, "Since I don't want to be sunburned again just...take the toy." He tossed it to Malik despite the fact that the few steps between them was shaded from the sun. It landed with a 'thump' near Taco who didn't even touch it. "You two have fun."

Taco stood there, his heckles still raised and didn't relax until Kadar was back inside the house. Malik frowned down at the dog, "what the hell is going on?"

~ + ~

In the end, it wasn't any of the symptoms that let them know what happened, but an impeccably dressed man who appeared at their door sometime after dinner (which Kadar did not eat).

"Good evening." He said with a smile so perfectly and _knowingly_ charming it irritated Malik on principle. Behind his shoulder stood a girl who looked to be Kadar's age, looking sullen and annoyed.

"Can I help you?" Malik said.

"Well, it is more that we can help you. Your brother has been experiencing strange symptoms, yes?" There was an accent in his voice (probably European. Possibly Italian), but it wasn't his voice (as attractive as the stranger's face), but the list of symptoms he listed that made Malik stare. "And he probably hasn't been showing up in mirrors." His smile was utterly sincere and smoothed out the matter-of-fact way he'd been talking about everything.

"Who are you?"

The man reached out to take Malik's hand in his and shook it firmly, "Ezio Auditore. And this is my sister--"

"Claudia?" Said Kadar who had come out to see why his brother was taking so long, "what are you doing here?"

Ezio sighed, "It would be better if we spoke inside."

Malik looked at his brother, then looked back at Ezio who didn't look like he was capable of harming anyone with that _smile_. He nodded if reluctantly. Ezio cleared his throat. "You will need to invite us in."

"Why?"

Claudia (who wore the look of someone who had been ordered to let her brother do the speaking) said plainly, "because we're vampires."

~ + ~

Sitting on their beat up old couch (and somehow still making it look like he was sitting on a throne), Ezio finished his explanation with, "I apologize for not coming sooner. It must have been overwhelming but we couldn't come until the sun was down. For obvious reasons."

(Well, it hadn't been overwhelming....which, in and of itself, was pretty embarrassing in retrospect.)

Kadar said, "My brother thought I had diarrhea."

Malik kicked him for that and Ezio laughed in a way that should have been _grating_ but was, instead, easy and warm. Malik glared at his brother, "That was not what I thought! Besides, what kind of person would guess 'vampirism' when vampires aren't supposed to be real?"

"Unfortunately, your brother's condition is irreversible." Ezio said with utmost solemnity. He sounded so sincerely apologetic that it was difficult to stay angry at him, "but we will do all we can to make his transition a smooth one."

"Okay," Kadar said, "but does this mean I get a second date? You never answered me about that." _He_ smiled because Claudia had spent the entire conversation looking alternately haughty and worried (like she expected Kadar to be angry about everything and maybe hate her, but trying to act like she wouldn't care if he did).

Claudia's smile had more of an edge than her brother's, but it made Kadar's heart swell to see it, "Of course."

~ + ~

Altair hadn't sent a text but shown up at his door shortly after the Auditore siblings had left, taking Kadar with them to teach him to fly.

Malik didn't even care, at that point, that Altair had stood him up three days before, during what should have been their movie date. He didn't kiss him, but he did drag Altair into the house (glad that he didn't need an invitation to make it through the door).

"If you laugh at what I'm about to tell you, I'm kicking you out." Malik said as Altair looked around the apartment with a frown, his hand closed over Malik's forearm, and stood _close_. "My brother is a vampire."

Altair didn't look surprised or disbelieving. There was nothing convincing about the way he said, "What? Are you sure?"

"Yes." Malik said, dropping back onto the couch, "Apparently his new girlfriend is one. And so is her family? I'm not--I didn't even know vampires were real?"

Altair made a vague noise, then sat down beside Malik. "Well. These things happen sometimes."

"No they don't." Malik swatted him on the arm. He frowned at Altair, "You're taking this surprisingly well."

"I'm not a vampire, if that's what you're wondering." Altair's smirk died down a little and he looked away, "But I did know about your brother."

Malik groaned and put his hand over his face. He leaned his head back so it rested against the back of the couch, "how? I mean, do you know the family? Because you haven't been around and I'm pretty sure this is a recent thing."

"I was around today." Altair said, then stopped. Malik felt the couch shift as Altair sat closer. When he started to speak again, it was: "Do you remember why you were angry with me?"

"You stood me up." Malik replied as he moved his hand to glare at Altair.

"I did." After it had happened Altair hadn't offered any explanations. Malik waited patiently for them _now_ , "I couldn't make it because it was a full moon."

Malik's head dropped back with another groan, "For fuck's sake, Altair--"

Far from being deterred by his reaction, the corner of Altair's mouth actually quirked _up_ , "I'm sorry. I keep meaning to mark it on the calendar, but I always forget."

"Did you also 'forget' to tell me that you run around as a dog named Taco from time to time?"

"I'm a wolf. And I did say 'Taco' was a stupid name." Altair relaxed only because Malik wasn't screaming, because he looked _put out_ but not afraid. "I didn't think you'd believe me."

"I would have if you turned into a _dog_ right in front of me."

"I'm a _wolf_."

"Shut up, Taco." Malik said simply, then kicked Altair's shin. "And stop smiling. I'm still angry at you."


End file.
